Under The Tree - February 2009

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/under-tree-february.html
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
My name is Julie, I have been blogging since June 2008, it was just recipes though, no thoughts, I was really trying not to think too much then. A Blog was just a way to keep some recipes together for a job I was doing. But I discovered a blog is a very useful tool.
I started this blog about Thomas only a week and a half ago, after I discovered Carlys "Names" blog and "Love Reigns". I read stories from some other followers blogs, I was motivated. I wanted to make a memory scrapbook blog and have all the emails that I wrote about Thomas and pictures and poetry safely in the one place. I had emails stashed in 2 different computers and on the internet. Photos were not very easy to find either. I felt that it was time to get everything one place. It is Thomas' Anniversary tomorrow, he died on the last day of summer last year (29th February). It was a leap year last year, so we are recognising the 28th as his anniversary this year. There is a kind of audit of my feelings going on at the moment.
I probably would have left my blog at that point (just as a memory page) until Carly invited us to come under the tree. So here I am for the very first time sharing my feelings directly on my blog. I feel that I kind of belong here. I can relate to so many of your stories, thoughts and feelings.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
I haven't really found a public place to share my feelings yet. I can say anything to my counsellor, that is important. I go to a group, but the group is about everyone, not just about me. It's important to be sensitive.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I read a book called "The Shack". Its about a man whose daughter goes missing and how he changes over the years that follow, and about his pain, how he comes to a place of peace within himself, and about how he comes to a place of peace with God.
He was angry at God for a long time. I have been angry at God too. I have sometimes felt like a failed Christian, because all my prayers (and everyone elses) didn't bring about healing. The Bible gives me hope, it brings peace into my life. I don't feel very courageous.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
I was not a very emotional person. I probably lived on the surface of things. I was very independent. I didn't know much about grief, or about or deep emotional pain. I had no idea how someone that lost a baby would feel.
I am still a mother, I would rather do things with my other 3 boys, than talk on the phone or do housework. I have been a little more emotional towards my children than I ever have. I feel like I have more capacity now. I am still a bit of a mess (see some of my poetry). I am still living with a huge box in the middle of my living room filled with most of Thomas' things. It has a pram, car seat, bath, change mat, I don't know what else, but it is a big box. I still haven't finished the thank you notes from his funeral. I don't think I will. I didn't want my baby to die and I don't want to thank anyone for coming to his funeral. I have also noticed that I don't want to wear my old clothes anymore, the ones that I wore when I was pregnant and before I was pregnant. There are too many memories in those clothes.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I am conscious of letting my grief take its course. Shutting it down can mean getting really sick and I dont want that to happen. I wrote this on my blog "Grief is not logical, I do not know where it will take me day by day, but I have found that it is better if I don't resist, it is better if I let it take me where it will."
In one years time I hope that I will be able to function more naturally. That I will have more friends, that I will care more if the house is clean, I will care more about looking after my body.