My Candle is Lit

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.



On this day, Families and Friends are lighting candles at 7pm. We are creating a wave of light around the world in rememberance of our babies and pregnancies that are no longer with us. Remembering the dreams that we once held for them and the love that we continue to hold close. Please if you know someone who has lost a baby or a pregnancy, please tell them that you thought of their baby and use the babys name if possible. You might see a tear, but don't be afraid, it will mean so much to hear that someone remembers.

My candle burns, it will stay burning here in Melbourne until 8.30pm when the wave of light reaches the next time zone in Adelaide.

Remembering baby Thomas
And all the babies from The Royal Childrens Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, including Mia, Jacob, Tyler, Samuel, Amelia and Josh

Trying to catch the Moon

My Husband called me outside this evening to show me the pretty cloud.

So I took this picture.



Behind the scenes, the tree in my front yard was trying to catch the moon.

Such a Little Cutie

He was so cute, he had the sweetest little nose, and a little tuft of long hair right on his fontinelle. He had chubby cheeks and an earnest look in his eye. Some people could see it, some only saw the tubes, which I understand because the tubes looked really scary, there were so many of them.

But not in this picture.

I have just picked up this beautiful sketch of my super cute baby Thomas. I am thrilled with it, it looks just like him, and there are no tubes or tape stuck to his face.

An old friend of my family is a portrait artist. I went and saw her recently and this is the outcome. I am so happy with it. I want everyone to get a portrait done. The artist is Meredith Forster, she will do sketches by mail to anywhere in the world. Her email address is merrimart (at) dodo (dot) com (dot) au. Meredith was telling me she does all kinds of portraits but she feels her calling is to do portraits of babies who have died, she has a whole album of the ones she has done over the years, babies that have been born too early and some that were born sleeping, some babies and children that have been older too.

Thanks Meredith, thanks for putting so much love and care into his portrait.

Jet

From Mirne and Craigs blog:

"This morning I woke to the sun's light coming through the curtains in the hospital room. I immediately knew that something was wrong. Jet had not woken me for his feed. I rushed to his hospital cot and felt his face. I saw his lips. I knew we had lost another one."

Mirne and Craig who live in the Netherlands broke the news that their third child Jet passed away on Monday. He was born on Saturday morning and lived for 3 days with his elated parents. Jet is their third child born and their third child to pass away, in the last 3 years 1 month and 1 week Mirne and Craig have lost 3 babies, firstly they lost Freja, then they lost Kees and now they have lost Jet. Losing 3 babies is totally off the scale of unfair and completely off the scale of tragedy and sadness, so far off the scale I just can't comprehend it.

I want to say to Mirne and Craig that I am so very sorry.

I am here and I will remember, I will tell people about your beautiful baby Jet, I will tell them about Kees and Freja too. I am shattered, floored and speechless. I can't begin to know what you are feeling. I can't begin to imagine how you are going to pick up your lives without any of your three beautiful children living. Its a tragic situation beyond all of my worst nightmares. I offer my condolences to you for your loss.

In my memory I go back to the morning after Thomas died, when I woke moaning and crying with a hole in my heart, I didn't want to consider going forward, I just wanted to go back. The pain is the worst I ever felt. Pain is an inadequate word. I just wanted to hold onto my Husband and be lost too. I can't imagine having to feel that raw grief again and again.

I don't think that anyone ever thought that Mirne and Craig would have to bury another baby. I know Mirne said on her blog that she wasn't taking anything for granted, just because she was pregnant didn't mean that she was going to bring a baby home to grow up and be their living family until they were old. To be pregnant is to be hopeful of a happy outcome and to have those hopes and dreams and love shredded one more time is too much. Too much to give, too many times.

I lit a candle in the window tonight and spoke Jets name. I am remembering Jet tonight, along with Freja and Kees, and keeping Mirne and Craig in my thoughts and prayers too.

Is there anybody out there?

I told everyone off last night.

My whole family.

All of them, all at once (together).

I told them that I need to talk about my baby. My dead baby.

I told them that they are ignoring my grief and stepping around talking about him. I told them I feel unsupported and alone in my grief.

I told them I know they are too upset to reveal their true feelings. That they are anxious about distressing me and they don't want to be emotional. My family are all about not being vulnerable.

I got my point across, they agreed that they have been scared of their feelings and they all said that they would try to see it from my point of view.

They agreed that Thomas is an important member of our family and he deserves to be remembered. They agreed that dates like his birthday are important and that they would write his birthday on their calendars every year, just like the rest of us living people.

That sorted that out.

It felt good to get that off my chest.

I know my relationships will be better for it.

Then I woke up.

Which one is the real me?

I went to the Melbourne Zoo today and I took this picture of a Meerkat.

But it looks like two. Its not hard to work out which one is real, but it makes you think for a second.

One is not really there, its just her reflection on the glass, an illusion due to the late afternoon winter sunshine.

One is real, one is not.

Just like me, I wonder if the person I am today is the new real me. Or not.

Love, broken heart, amputation scar