Thursday, March 5, 2009

A New Baby

I would like to welcome our new friend baby Mia. She is 17 days old in this picture, I it took yesterday .
Her Mummy is really tired and just needed a nap. My wonderful husband got Mia to sleep, and then he nodded off himself. He didn't want to give her back even with a dirty nappy and empty belly.
There are conflicting feelings that I have about baby Mia coming into the world. Firstly I am happy for her parents who were very unprepared for their relationship to include parenting. They have made it. They love her to bits.
When her mummy went into labour, I just cried and cried. I was devastated. I knew it was going to happen at some point, but I was unprepared for the pain that I would feel at that time.
It makes my heart happy to see baby Mia in the arms of my husband. I want to see him with his own baby in his arms. I am sad that his own baby is not in his arms.
I am angry at God because Thomas was so sick and died so young. He went through so much. Here is Mia who is healthy. In a moment in time God creates thousands of babies that will grow up and get old before they die. And He also creates babies like Thomas who will stay for a short while.
Thomas is a blessing to our life, we have such joy, and huge sadness too. I am still angry though. Why didn't he make Thomas well enough to live? I have a heap of answers to that question, a lot of them offered by people after he was born, most of them are simply crap. The only real answer is, He didn't, not because of any malice or manipulating desire, not because of my sin or my husbands sin, not because of any curse that was laid on our family, not because we did something to invite Satan to destroy our dream, not because we had weak faith, not because we failed to declare the promises of God and pray to Him, and not because we are special people who are strong and God thought we could handle it.
The only reason is that He didn't.
I just struggle to accept that reason. I can accept that I struggle to accept it, I am fine with that.


  1. I've just found your blog. Your son is beautiful. I"m so sorry he's gone. I can only imagine the feelings as you watched your husband with another baby.

    My heart is wtih you. Hope you don't mind me visiting.

  2. Perfectly expressed. And again, thank you for saying it xx

  3. I'm so glad you included the part about "not because we are special people who are strong and God thought we could handle it." I'm very lucky that people rarely say that to me anymore because my patience for that is very thin. They don't see that it's not that different from saying that you are evil and deserve bad things and struggle. Ugh.

    Hugs to you.