Hope

What a beautiful day it was on Saturday. You can't help but have hope when the water is as sparkly as this. There was nowhere else I would have rather been at that moment.


The water was so clear and blue, the seagulls were just checking me out as I walked. The tiny fish were just centimetre's from my toes at the edge of the water. I got a little bit sunburnt, but I had my hat on. It was the perfect temperature, warm but not hot. There was hardly any wind on the sand, just a little balmy breeze, when at home (which is only 4km from the beach) it was really windy.

I have had some not so good news with my health. I lost quite a lot of weight last year, using C.K the website. But then I was away for about 8 months and I have put some weight back on (about 7kg's). On Friday my BP was 159 on 52, its a weird reading. Because I have Diabetes and because a blood test shows some small signs that my kidneys are not happy, this BP reading means that I am a candidate for Hypertension medication. Which I naturally want to try and avoid. 


The possibility of having to take Hypertension medication when you are still in your 40's is enough to make me think about my life, my whole life. Do I want to be sick until I die, or do I want to be healthy and active and happy. What sort of quality of life do I want? Of course I want a future with lots of experiences and love, happiness and relationships, and freedom from health issues seems to be the key. 


I know that BP medication does not signal that I am about to become infirm and climb into a wheelchair. It does make me think about my expectations for my future, and I expect to be here for quite a lot longer. How much longer I wonder? It's not something that I have ever thought about or even attempted to visualise what I would look like in old age. I am not quite at the point where I can see myself as an old woman. I joke about being old when I get out of a comfortable chair and my joints are all stiff and sore. And I blame old age when I limp in the mornings before my feet get warmed up, and I try not to look Granny like now my eyes are losing the ability to easily focus and I have to get my glasses to thread a needle.


The Doctor said to me, "I'll give you 3 months to lose some weight and get your blood pressure under control. If it's still high, I will put you on some medication."


So now I am back to weight loss mode and loving it. I love C.K, it's so into details, and I know it's the details that count when I lose weight. Details like minutes and grams. I love it when my calories consumed and exercise calories burned, add up to the right number at the end of the day. I have been back for 2 days and I feel good, I feel like I have been un-puffed. My puffy fingers and face are looking and feeling more normal. I am on the toilet a million times a day. Flushing all that fluid away.

I have lugged this weight around for the last 30 years. It's time to get it out of my life.

It's also time to have some hope for the future. I am going to embrace the idea that I will get old and probably be a granny, but I have hope that I will be as active and healthy as possible.

I Have Nothing

I have Nothing

Nothing new to feel

Grief mows me down

I dodge it sometimes 

Today I didn't try

The Anniversary day

Nothing new to say or blog
It has been said, written
Fading now to forgotteness
Greeting card genuine
Trauma obscured

Nothing new to show
Photographs, movies
No birthday cakes
First steps, smiles, teeth
Baby onesies never outgrown

Nothing new to hear
No laughter no cries,
Nor the sound of his name
His running feet
All quiet in his grave

Valentines Day ATC

Its Valentines day soon, it is next week actually, and I thought I would participate in the art trading card (ATC) swap that Angie is hosting over at still life 365.

I posted it Monday morning which is a bit late I think to get it all the way to the US, but I was just too slow to send it on Friday afternoon. It probably wouldn't have travelled very far over the weekend anyway. I hope it gets to Angie on time for this year or I suppose I will be early for next years swap.

Here is my card. It's the first one I have ever made.

It is really surprisingly very small. I made it with paper, sewing thread and a needle and glass seed beads. It is 3 layers, blue card on the back with a message written in pen, heavy sketch paper, and a fancy paper. The back of the sewing is hidden by the layers.

I enjoyed doing it, I took too long, I was learning as I went which is how I like to do stuff.

Did you receive a valentine card this year, or have you ever done an ATC swap?

A Thousand Things

Christa Wells  A Thousand Things



Wow, I found the words on Genevieve's amazing post "The wound that blinds" over at Turquoise Gates. She has tagged her post with words like "soul audit" and "God's deeps", she is an amazing writer.


I am blown away at how she has described the wound, without condemnation, just describing as normal and "just is" it's all OK. This wound is not some new dysfunction that I have dreamed up to prove to the world that I am in need of attention.


It. just. is. fact.


These words come from the song

You're gonna cry yourself to sleep.

'Cause for the moment all that you can see is what is lost, lost

Why me?

But in the midst of the most exquisite pain

You're drawn into a peace that you cannot explain.

And the praises you sing of a sovereign God

reach the girl whose last hope is gone

She never thought there was purpose in anything here.

Now the seed has been planted and it's taking root

You didn't know.

You're gonna cry yourself to sleep.

A thousand miracles you'll have to wait to see.

Exit; A Decade, Tonight

So much stuff happened in this decade, for me. A lot of it was bad stuff. The sort of stuff that makes me want to say, I don't want to remember why I decided,(or didn't) did, chose, refused, hated or loved it kind of stuff.


Hindsight
is
a wonderful
thing


Especially if you like to beat yourself up and second guess your life decisions.


And sometimes I do, and, I would like to categorically state that I do not like that about myself.


The Y2K bug, it had nothing to do with me but hindsight tells me it was probably the biggest hoax the world has seen. 


I celebrated a few New Years Eves, too many alone, I had some birthdays including a "40", bought cars (only 2) and changed jobs heaps of times. I got married, my eldest sons had their 18th and 21st birthdays and moved out of home. And one came back twice. My 3rd son lives with us at home still (because he is a teenager), he has grown so much in this decade and has had so many life experiences which are all his stories to tell, not mine. He knows too much about death.


I  had many many house guests, some for one or two nights and others for weeks and months. I discovered Jesus and developed my faith. I spent a lot of money on cigarettes and clothes, my weight went up and down so consequently I don't fit into very many items in my current wardrobe.  


I was pregnant and gave birth to Thomas, my 4th son at the age of 43 and buried him at the age of 44. I used to think that 44 was my lucky number, now I think its one of pain. I have grieved heavily, I have battled sickness and depression, I spent quite a bit of time in court for family law. 


My income fluctuated from around 12 thousand one year to over 40 for another one, and I think they were back to back.


It's been a crazy roller coaster kind of year, decade, life.


I don't know whether to love it or hate it, but I am glad it's over and I can have a fresh start.


The highest point was getting married in 2006, the lowest point was Thomas' death in 2008 or it was a point somewhere in mourning his loss. Actually I think it was the morning after he died, the minute I woke up and remembered he was dead, I just felt so lost at that point, so wracked with grief, it was the lowest point.


So now, a new year comes and the chance for a fresh start. I am going to choose to learn about me this year. I am going to study me and find out why I do stupid things. Well that's the plan.


First I am going on a research assignment, and write down my timeline, look at the places and spaces I have occupied and see if I can find patterns and things. Then I am going to think about the things that have motivated me to behave in certain ways. I am going to see if there is a trigger that I can neutralise and a grown up behavior that I can substitute for behaving badly. I will try and understand what motivates me to manipulate others and learn about my capacity, and in doing that I believe I can recognise the signs that I am overwhelmed and ask for help.


I hope I am successful, because it sounds like a good plan. A step by step plan, which will not go step by step I am sure.


Goodbye 2010 and the 200th decade


Hello 2011, we are at the start of decade number 201 and I hope its going to be an improvement on the last one.


Are you planning an overhaul for our 201st decade?

Happy Birthday Thomas

It's Thomas' 3rd Birthday today

I would like to have a little boy at home, who just turned three right now. It is an age that I enjoy, three year old's are chatty and they have excitement for the world, they love to be busy and they have independent moments. I love that their imaginations are are on overdrive, even if that causes them to be just a little bit naughty.

I know that Thomas wouldn't have been the usual 3 year old. He had challenges, I know that. He may have just mastered the art of sitting up by now, he would have had significant developmental delay.

We may have spent most of his short 3 years in the hospital. We would have spent many thousands of dollars on medications, equipment and aids.

We would have held our breath whenever he de-saturated because of a hypertensive event and was dangerously close to death, we would have sighed with relief every time he pulled through. And we would have thanked God that he lived every single day, thanked God for one of the best Children's Hospitals in the world being almost on our doorstep, and prayed that He would get us out of there as fast as he could.

But that didn't happen. It doesn't matter how much we wanted him to live. His little body stopped working and that's just what happened. Nothing changes that.

So, we went to the Queen Victoria Market in Melbourne to "do" something on his birthday. It's a place that we went to quite often during the season of Thomas' life. There are lots of memories there. It was handy (sort of) to the hospital, we only had to get on one tram and it went from out the front of Ronald McDonald house to the west side of the market. The food stalls and delicatessens are all on the east side so it was still a bit of a walk from the tram, an easy walk if you didn't have anything to carry or if it wasn't a very hot day.

Today, on Thomas' third birthday this is what we did at the Market, we found hard rock lollies that had Happy Birthday written inside them. I managed to save 2 little pieces so I could take a photo of them.

And at 2 small cafes side by side we bought Pizza slices, Chicken Burrito and Omelet for lunch.

We bought the Omelet because it was called Omellet a Lo Thomas, and because we like omelet.

We had cake from the cake shop. We bought some Turkish delight too. Lucky we are all big people or we might have had a sugar rush tantrum brewing up by now.

We bought some little wooden toys from the stall that Thomas' other wooden toys came from, and we bought a bone carving from a Tongan man. There were buskers and even an art installation (made from vegetable boxes and chalk writing on the footpath) made by some university students to highlight sustainability. Then we came home.

It was a good day. It was good to do something different, to use Thomas' birthday as a reason to go and do something together and to speak his name.

Angie at stilllife365 posted my poem today in memory of Thomas. Thanks Angie. It would be great if you went over there and read it.

Thanks to everyone for your messages today.

Treasures from a Golden Box

There is a sparkly golden box in the corner of my bedroom. It carries inside a few small keepsakes. Never to be used again and still almost brand new, these little wooden toys with happy faces, and brightly colored rattles that make a hushed sound have a very important job. To keep my memories in place, so they don't get lost.

I like the randomness and foggyness of how this picture turned out. I made it with the scanner. These are finger puppets that we bought to amuse Thomas on his good days. There is the King and Queen and Prince and Princess and Jester. There is also some of the ladybirds and bees from a little mobile that he loved looking at. A couple of springy bungee critters and a castinet that we hushed with a piece of sticking plaster, a christmas bear that turned up on his cot one night and some quiet rattles are in my collection.

The other treasures include a copy of the poem that Dean wrote and photo that we gave to the people who came to Thomas' funeral. Also one of the nurses (Laura Taylor) took an ink footprint without us knowing and she made it into a beautiful keepsake so she could give us a secret Christmas present from Thomas.

Nurses don't get enough recognition so I will say thank-you for thinking of us Laura. It's one of my treasures now.