Friday, August 28, 2009

Is there anybody out there?


I told everyone off last night.

My whole family.

All of them, all at once (together).

I told them that I need to talk about my baby. My dead baby.

I told them that they are ignoring my grief and stepping around talking about him. I told them I feel unsupported and alone in my grief.

I told them I know they are too upset to reveal their true feelings. That they are anxious about distressing me and they don't want to be emotional. My family are all about not being vulnerable.

I got my point across, they agreed that they have been scared of their feelings and they all said that they would try to see it from my point of view.

They agreed that Thomas is an important member of our family and he deserves to be remembered. They agreed that dates like his birthday are important and that they would write his birthday on their calendars every year, just like the rest of us living people.

That sorted that out.

It felt good to get that off my chest.

I know my relationships will be better for it.

Then I woke up.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Which one is the real me?



I went to the Melbourne Zoo today and I took this picture of a Meerkat.

But it looks like two. Its not hard to work out which one is real, but it makes you think for a second.

One is not really there, its just her reflection on the glass, an illusion due to the late afternoon winter sunshine.

One is real, one is not.

Just like me, I wonder if the person I am today is the new real me. Or not.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Red Nose Day - Remembering Day

It was a very emotional day today, Remembering day. Sids and kids hold a service every year for babies and children who have passed away. 

Here are some of my memories of today.

This picture shows our Choir, unfortunately I am hidden in this picture. Our t-shirts say "Sids and kids"  "healing in song"
Our song was recorded so I hope to post the video when I receive it. We sang "Yesterday" with an acoustic guitarist.
The Harpist is Megan Reeves from the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. The old church is beautiful, its St Michaels Uniting Church in Melbourne.
In the courtyard after the service we all took a balloon, there was a sea of red balloons
We wrote our baby's names and messages on the balloons before we let them go



They looked so pretty in the sky. My Mother in Law said "where do you think they will end up", Rowan said "Heaven, they are going to Heaven". I hope all the little children in Heaven have a red balloon today. I hope that Thomas found the one with his name on it.
(This picture is out of order and it just wont move) I loved these candle bowls so I took lots of pictures of them, there was at least 5 in the church. Everyone came forward and lit a taper from the candle in the middle then pushed their candle into the sand.
The Sids and kids website is a great resource for bereaved families, they have a 24 hour phone counseling line, up to date information on safe sleeping and all their booklets and information pages can be downloaded. This is what they say about themselves,

SIDS and Kids is dedicated to saving the lives of babies and children during pregnancy, birth, infancy and childhood and to supporting bereaved families.

We deliver on our vision through world class research; evidence based education and bereavement support; and advocacy.

Here is the link to their website again



Thursday, June 18, 2009

Canon for a cause


Its where many people including this well known blogger have submitted their pictures in the hope of winning up to $60,000 for a cause they nominate. How it works, go to the Canon Creative for a Cause website. Select the cause category that interests you. Click on the pictures you like and vote for them. You can only vote for a picture once and you can vote for as many as you like.

Here are my pictures and the links, please vote.

Photo of Thomas
Cause: Neonatal intensive care unit
Royal Childrens Hospital Foundation


Photo of the Bunny in Deans Hood
Cause: suicide prevention
Lifeline

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Yesterday





I was looking at Thomas' pictures on this blog and thinking that I remembered the day when this photo was taken. I remember the conversation around this photo. It was very late at night and my husband couldn't work out why I would want a picture of his toes and feet. 


I also remember thinking that I would get an opportunity (one day) to take pictures without ventilation or lines in his arms or feet and sensors attached. I never did get that opportunity to photograph him completely free, but in this picture he didn't have the suction tube down his throat or all the tape that it required. I could see his whole face.




I do remember our days with baby Thomas, these pictures are reminders of those memories .......... and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I am going to be singing the song "Yesterday" with the choir. I love this song and I think it fits very well, we are going to be singing it at the St Michael's Cathedral in Melbourne. It will be Remembering Day, a service for the families of babies and young children that have suddenly died. It is hosted by Sids and Kids who are an Australian organisation who help families with grief, and who research the cause of Sudden infant death syndrome (hence the Sids). All the choir members are parents or grandparents of a little one who has gone

The lyrics have been altered a little bit and we will be doing a harmony, it sounds lovely when we do it.

Yesterday.....
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe
In yesterday

Suddenly......
I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday
Came suddenly

Why she had to go
I don't know
She couldn't say
I say something's wrong
How I long......

Yesterday....
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe
In yesterday

Why he had to go
I don't know
He couldn't say
I say something's wrong
How I long......

Yesterday....
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe
In yesterday

Hum (I believe in yesterday)